Lum & Abner: Classic Small-Town Comedy

Lum Wants to Get Married

Originally Aired: April 8, 1938
Lum #18, "Lum Wants to Get Married,"
Lum and Abner's Lonesome Heart Matrimonial Bureau is officially open for business after placing newspaper advertisements throughout the surrounding territory. When Lum returns from the post office with their first letters from prospective customers, the partners are excited about the potential fifty-dollar profit from each successful match. However, things get complicated when Lum announces his intention to find a wife for himself through their own bureau, insisting he won't pay the company's twenty-five dollar fee if he does marry.
As Abner handles phone inquiries from Sister Simpson, an eager local woman seeking a husband, Lum eagerly opens their first letters. While the partners initially dismiss one applicant who seems more interested in paying off her farm mortgage than finding love, their attention turns to Roberta Brandenburg from Gilgore, Texas. When Lum sees her picture, he's immediately smitten with the beautiful manicurist who owns her own beauty salon, sparking his interest in ways that have nothing to do with the matrimonial bureau's profit margins.

Lum Composes Newspaper Ad

Originally Aired: April 6, 1938
Lum #17, "Lum Composes Newspaper Ad,"
After managing to collect only $18 from overdue accounts at the Jot'em Down Store, Lum conceives a new scheme to make money. Rather than using the modest sum to restock merchandise as his partner Abner suggests, Lum decides to open a matrimonial bureau in Pine Ridge. A reluctant Abner initially resists the idea, preferring to invest their money back into the store, but Lum eventually wins him over by painting a rosy picture of helping lonely hearts find companionship and by offering to make Abner president of the new venture.
As Lum composes their first newspaper advertisement, the differences between the partners become clear. Lum's flowery ad promises women they can marry men of wealth and position who will shower them with diamonds and pearls, while Abner worries the exaggerated claims will cause trouble. The conversation takes a humorous turn when Lum tries to explain Cupid to the confused Abner, who thinks the love-inducing cherubs sound more like mosquitoes or Indians and threatens to swat any that shoot arrows at him.

Matrimonial Bureau Reopens

Originally Aired: April 4, 1938
Lum #16, "Matrimonial Bureau Reopens,"
Lum and Abner find themselves in desperate financial straits as their Jot 'Em Down Store struggles to survive. With depleted inventory and mounting debts, the partners face a vicious cycle: they need cash to restock, but customers need credit to buy. When Dick Huddleston stops by the store, he advises Abner to enforce their long-ignored "Strictly Cash, No Credit" policy, but both men know it's nearly impossible to turn away neighbors they've known all their lives. Lum returns from a grueling day of collections having secured only eighteen dollars from Grandpa Masters, barely enough to make a dent in their wholesale orders.
As the partners contemplate their dire situation, Lum's mind wanders to get-rich-quick schemes. He mentions reading about sweepstake tickets that turn a mere four or five dollar investment into winnings of a hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Despite their agreement to focus on the store, the temptation of easy money proves difficult to resist for two desperate shopkeepers looking for any way out of their predicament.

April Fool’s Day Jokes

Originally Aired: April 1, 1938
Lum #15, "April Fool's Day Jokes,"
Lum and Abner are back to running their Jot 'Em Down Store after a period of outside interests has left their merchandise stock seriously depleted. While Lum is out trying to collect overdue accounts, Abner struggles through an exasperating phone call with Wither, who wants to order items the store doesn't have in stock. When Granny stops by with a box of homemade candy, Abner nearly falls for her April Fool's prank, as she's filled the chocolates with soap to trick unsuspecting victims down at the barber shop.
Meanwhile, Lum returns limping after becoming the victim of a classic April Fool's Day trick himself, having kicked a paper sack in the road that someone filled with a rock. The partners commiserate over being caught by the pranks, with Lum dismissing such games as childish. However, when Grandpa offers to share his candy, Abner nearly takes a piece before being warned about the soap filling, much to everyone's amusement as the April foolishness continues throughout Pine Ridge.

Abner Pretends to Be Sick

Originally Aired: March 30, 1938
Lum #14, "Abner Pretends to Be Sick,"
Spring fever hits Pine Ridge as Grandpappy Spears pays a visit to the Jot'Em Down Store with a tempting invitation for Abner. The fish are biting down at Big Eddy, the signs are right according to the almanac, and the Macmillan boys have been pulling in strings of white perch that would make anyone's mouth water. Grandpappy has his fishing poles ready and paints a vivid picture of sitting under that big oak tree by the riverbank while the cork bobs on the water. Abner is practically drooling at the thought, but there's one problem: he and Lum just shook hands that very morning, promising to finally devote themselves to running the store after weeks of neglecting it for outside interests like dinosaur hunting and making moving pictures.
As Grandpappy tries to convince Abner to come along, the two men scheme about possible excuses Abner could give Lum. When Lum arrives at the store, Abner faces a difficult choice between keeping his promise to his partner and answering the irresistible call of a perfect fishing day.

Cedric Sells Chances

Originally Aired: March 28, 1938
Lum #13, "Cedric Sells Chances,"
Lum and Abner are still reeling from their recent disappointment when a professor from the State University identified their supposed dinosaur fossil as nothing more than a dead mule, dashing their dreams of fortune and fame. When Lum discovers Abner and Grandpappy Spears hiding in the feed room of the Jot 'Em Down Store playing checkers instead of minding the business, he's furious that customers are being ignored. Grandpappy, taking his role as chief of police a bit too seriously, nearly pulls his gun on Lum during a heated exchange about potential robberies in Pine Ridge.
Just as Lum hypocritically settles in for his own checker game with Grandpappy, young Cedric arrives at the store carrying a punchboard and selling chances at five cents apiece. Lum and Grandpappy immediately recognize this as illegal gambling and warn Cedric he could get himself in serious trouble. When Cedric insists he's not profiting from the scheme himself, the question arises: who put him up to this, and where is the money really going?

Examining The Bones

Originally Aired: March 25, 1938
Lum #12, "Examining The Bones,"
Lum and Abner's excitement reaches new heights when a university professor arrives in Pine Ridge to examine the fossil they discovered in Abner's yard. While the partners have been charging admission for locals to view what they believed was a dinosaur at Lum's house, the professor delivers surprising news: this isn't a dinosaur at all, but something entirely unknown to science. As Abner discusses the discovery with Cedric Weehunt at the Jot 'Em Down store, explaining how the creatures lived millions of years ago and laid enormous eggs, Lum returns with electrifying information. The professor believes this could be the greatest discovery ever made on the continent, possibly even the missing link itself.
The partners are thrilled at the prospect of going down in history as famous archaeologists, with their pictures in books and statues erected in their honor. As the professor studies the mysterious bones with his reference materials, Lum and Abner dream of being called Professor Edwards and Professor Peabody, though Abner modestly notes he only made it through third grade.

Trying to Assemble Bones

Originally Aired: March 23, 1938
Lum #11, "Trying to Assemble Bones," finds Abner and Grandpappy Spears hard at work in Lum's house, attempting to reconstruct the prehistoric fossil they discovered in Abner's yard. Using baling wire and a reference book on historic animals, the two men struggle to determine which bones belong where, debating whether the back legs should be longer than the front and whether they're looking at the right picture in the book. Their makeshift paleontology efforts prove more difficult than a jigsaw puzzle, especially when they realize they may have assembled parts incorrectly and still have leftover pieces they can't figure out how to incorporate.
Meanwhile, Lum has gone to the barber shop to get cleaned up, anticipating the arrival of an archaeology professor from the State University who could arrive any day this week. The men are eager to have their dinosaur properly assembled before the expert shows up to examine their discovery. As they hide the extra bones they can't fit and worry about getting caught with an incomplete reconstruction, their ambitious venture into prehistoric science teeters between hopeful discovery and comedic disaster.

Prof Interested in Bones

Originally Aired: March 21, 1938
Lum #10, "Prof Interested in Bones," finds the old fellows convinced they've made an important archaeological discovery. After Cedric Wehunt unearths a bone while replacing dirt in Abner's yard, Lum becomes certain they've found the fossil of a prehistoric dinosaur. He purchases a book from Evelina that confirms such creatures once lived in the area, and he excitedly shares pictures with a skeptical Abner at the Jotham Down store. Lum has grand visions of either selling their find to a museum or joining a carnival to exhibit it, though Abner remains less enthusiastic about traipsing around the country with a pile of old bones.
The nocturnal digging operation becomes increasingly complicated as Abner's wife Elizabeth grows suspicious about the nightly activity in her yard. Abner has already exhausted several cover stories, from digging for fish bait to searching for gold, and she's asking more questions by the day. Lum insists on secrecy and has even sworn Grandpappy Spears and Cedric to an elaborate oath. As the men continue piecing together what they believe is a dinosaur skeleton, tensions rise over whether to let Elizabeth in on their mysterious discovery.

Finding Bones

Originally Aired: March 18, 1938
Lum #9, "Finding Bones," opens with Lum and Abner back at their Jot 'Em Down Store, taking stock after the collapse of the Pine Ridge oil boom and their expensive foray into silent pictures. With Squire Skimp having refunded everyone's oil stock investments and their motion picture venture proving to be a financial loss, the two partners resolve to stick to running their store from now on. Their conversation quickly spirals into classic comedy confusion when Lum tries to explain the concept of not throwing "good money after bad," using elaborate analogies about horses and cameras that only leave Abner more befuddled than ever.
Just as Abner finally seems to grasp Lum's point about avoiding bad investments, Grandpappy Spears walks into the store. Before the old-timer can even speak, the newly cautious Abner immediately accuses him of trying to peddle some scheme, determined not to fall for another money-losing proposition. Grandpappy insists he isn't trying to sell them anything, but the damage is done as the friends' hard-learned lessons about get-rich-quick schemes color every interaction.